Naked Grief and How Society Often Deal with It

There are many clinical definitions to grief but for the purpose of coming out with a less technical article on this subject, let me give you a more simple meaning; Grief is an emotional response to a loss (Kubler-Ross, 1969). Grief is a unique experience for every individual who go through it however, there are overlapping emotional traits that somehow aid psychologists and therapists in assisting people in their period of grief.

Society’s Common Reaction

Before going any further, it is very important to know and understand that grieving is not a disorder. A grieving person I not suffering from any abnormalities despite the difficulty in performing ordinary daily tasks.

However, the general population views a grieving person differently. It’s true that people are always sympathetic to others who are grieving. From the moment we hear about the sad news of someone dying, we instantly feel sympathy and or/pity for the bereaved family but somewhere along the way we get tired of the grief and it’s easy because the grief is not our own. So we set our own expectations on the period of grief the others carry and from that, we expect that after a few months or after a year that person’s grief is over or at least; should be over.

After some time, people from the outside tend to look at grief differently compared to those who are actually living inside that grief.

On both sides there is a misguided form of expectation; the individual who is grieving thinks that people expect him or her to have moved on and the people think the bereaved wants to be saved. This produces unnecessary anxiety for both parties.

Now often times because of society’s expectations on grief, the grieving person is forced to put up a show that he or she has overcome the grief and has finally moved on. It is wrong and it is unfair. Only the person suffering from the loss can determine when and how he or she can overcome the emotions felt because of the loss.

Grieving is process.

It is a process. In fact, it is a unique process for each person who suffers or have suffered a loss in the past.

Patrick O’Malley, a Psychiatrist and Therapist from Fort Worth Texas described the process of grief in three (3) Chapters:

“Chapter 1 has to do with attachment: the strength of the bond with the person who has been lost. Understanding the relationship between degree of attachment and intensity of grief brings great relief for most patients. I often tell my patients and clients that the size of their grief corresponds to the depth of their love.

Chapter 2 is the death event itself. This is often the moment when the person experiencing the loss begins to question his sanity, particularly when the death is premature and traumatic.

Chapter 3 is the long road that begins after the last casserole dish is picked up — when the outside world stops grieving with you.

The Unresolved Grief

Because of society’s reactions and expectations a person who suffered loss may later on suffer from unresolved grief. Dr. William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. a renowned Psychologist in one of his published journals (drwilliamdoverspike.com 770-913-0506), cited Engel’s classic article (1961) and described the symptoms of “Unresolved Grief” as:

·         Avoiding the funeral, not visiting the gravesite, or not participating in other rituals.

·         Not being able to talk about of the lost loved one without experiencing intense grief.

·         Experiencing an intense grief reaction triggered by some relatively minor event.

·         Noticing that themes of loss seem to come up frequently in casual conversations.

·         An inability or unwillingness to move material possessions belonging to the loved one.

·         Feeling compelled to imitate or take on habits or personality characteristics of the loved one.

·         Developing physical symptoms like those experienced by the deceased person before death.

·         Developing self-destructive thoughts or, conversely, developing a fear or phobia about illness or death.

·         Making radical changes in lifestyle, such as excluding one’s friends, family members, or activities associated with the lost loved one.

·         Experiencing unexplained periods of sadness, holiday blues, or "anniversary depression."

“The process of resolving grief requires accepting the reality of the loss, cognitively and emotionally, and reorganizing the facets of life in spite of the loss. However, resolution is not a return to the "old self." One never really returns to his or her former self. Instead, one incorporates the experience into what eventually becomes a new self. Reaching resolution requires working through grief, which takes time.”

- Doverspike

Because the person who died left holes inside us, holes that never be filled; we cannot go back to our selves after grieving, we can only move forward after the loss.

Grief Will Never Leave

Death like grief is an uninvited guest at the dinner table. We are too ashamed to kick him out of the table and too terrified to talk to him. But unlike an unwanted guest, there is a need to converse with grief to ask what it really wants from us or perhaps ask ourselves the lesson we need to learn from grief.

It is very difficult to examine an open wound especially if it’s our own. But after an undetermined time, the grieving person will learn to look into it deeply and even become closely acquainted with it. We have to be open to what grief can teach us.

We will all suffer grief it’s about time we sit down and have an honest talk with it.