Relationships
evolve and develop overtime. The markers in the evolution or development
process are also indicators of how far we’ve gone in the relationship and the
emotional levels we have reached with our partner.
According to Sally Connolly,
LCSW, LMFT – a 30 year Couple’s Therapist, there are four (4) stages in a
romantic relationship:
“Stage 1: Initial Meeting/Attraction
Stage 2: Curiosity, Interest, and Infatuation
Stage 3: “Enlightenment” and Becoming a Couple
Stage 4: Commitment or Engagement”
Initial Meeting/Attraction
Dating relationships have to start somewhere. The initial meeting may
take place over the internet, through friends, in a church or social group, at
a party or bar or any one of a myriad of many different places.
Curiosity, Interest, and Infatuation
During the second stage, attraction and infatuation are most
pronounced.
Early attraction often involves the physical attributes of the partner
and include things like outward appearance, body type, interests and
personality traits. At this stage, the attraction may not be too “deep” and
each half of a couple is generally putting his or her best foot forward.
Differences are not noticed or are dismissed with thoughts like “not a big
deal” or “she will change”.
“Enlightenment” and Becoming a Couple
During this stage of a relationship, hormones are calming down and
reality sets in. Couples often go “deeper” in their connection. Trust is
stronger and more intimacies may be shared at this stage as couples take away
some of their “best face” and allow themselves to act more naturally and
relaxed.
Both halves of a couple will notice weaknesses and differences or
flaws. “Cute” habits might become irritating at this stage. Some of those
perpetual issues or differences such as free-spending or frugal, neat and
orderly or sloppy and disorganized, interested in lots of time together or more
involved in outside activities begin to emerge.
Commitment or Engagement
At this stage in a relationship, couples should have a good
understanding of their partner’s values, life style, and goals for the future.
There should be a relationship with each other’s family and friends.
Open and honest conversations should be happening as couples plan
their present and future together. Questions about children, finances, careers,
future goals and lifestyle should be discussed more fully. Differences are
normal and couples will learn about themselves and their relationship as they
note how they handle these differences with each other.
Then the Kids Arrive
Normally,
the flames of romance are kept in the back burner after having a baby. There is
nothing unusual about it since much of the focus, the time and almost all the
energy is spent on the child or the children. The mechanics of marriage changes
drastically because priorities shift from yourself and/or your spouse to your
child or children.
Some
studies have proven that there are both positive and negative variants with
respect to relationships in having a baby. One study has shown that the
frequency of fights between couples have significantly subsided upon the
arrival of a baby at home; on the other hand, the frequency of romantic moments
have also reduced. This is attributed to the fact that once a child has entered
the picture, couples tend to focus more
on taking care of the child and making sure the child gets the best of
everything and the best that this world has to offer (e.g. food, toys, clothes, schools, art classes, etc.).
But
despite our best efforts to secure our children’s future like making sure that
they get in the best schools and universities, one of the greatest gifts we can
give them is to have a happy marriage.
So
how do keep the fire of love burning?
Here
are some tips:
- Planning in Advance - Before having kids, you and your
spouse or partner could go out on a date at a moment’s notice. But with
the baby, planning ahead of time is a necessity. I know it sounds taxing
but it’s just a small adjustment compared to the benefits it can bring to
the marriage.
- Plans could change and accept it – Sometimes despite
our best efforts to plan ahead, there will be reasons to hold off that
date like the baby being sick or the babysitter suddenly becoming
unavailable. It can get frustrating but don’t get discouraged. Order some
take out and eat together next to the baby crib. Use your imagination and
don’t waste that precious moment of being together. If you can’t go out on
a date night, then bring the date night to your house.
- Take a Few Minutes Off – This
may sound ridiculous but there are times when you feel exhausted by the
time your spouse gets home. Taking a few minutes to rest your feet, your
neck and your arms can recharge you and allows you to express yourself
better to your spouse. If you have to, you can even take a nap when the
spouse gets home. A “power-nap” can reboot your system which makes you
more receptive to your spouse’s romantic gestures.
- Sit. Talk. – At this point in your relationship
communication is very important and perhaps more important than ever
before. Talk to each other about the challenges you are both facing with
this new life. If you have to; warn each other if you are having a rough
day and find creative ways to support each other. A few minutes of talking
can create wonders in a relationship.
- Forget not your spouse – Yes,
the time requirements in taking good care of a child is very demanding and
often times we tend to forget that our spouse has needs too. Take time to
think about your spouse and the many simple ways to show him or her your
love. The
extra effort may take a bit of energy, but it will be well worth it to let
him or her know how much you love and appreciate them.
- Be patient – At first, rearing a baby
seem to take forever but as the child grows older and develops a sense of
independence you would be surprise at how quickly time flies. Soon you and
your spouse or partner would have so much time in your hands and so many
romantic moments you can share together.
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